What do you say when you don't know what to say? I've been staring at my screen for a time now and the words are refusing to flow. Well, maybe it isn't too much that they are refusing to flow, but more afraid to appear. This is exactly what doubt, insecurity, and a moment of finding oneself lost does to a person. So, I suppose I will just tell the fear to step aside for a moment (or eternity), or perhaps I will try to embrace it, so I can share. So I can express. So I can work towards being the person I was always meant to be; though, I admit, I am still searching and have been for a long time. But this time, the difference is that I don't want to search backwards anymore; I want to search forwards.
Quite a few things have led me to this point. And I want to share them with you: the good and the bad (which I am grateful for, because without the existence of bad, there can be no good).
Life, amIright? Life can be grand, and life can be scary. Life can be full of joy, and life can be full of depression. And I allowed the ugly, messy part of life to take over. I own that.
This will be an exercise of just allowing the words to come, allowing my fingers to just type without the fear.
Let's start the story of my return to The Unlikely Influencer here...
It was 2022...I was in a decent relationship, great friendship with a rock of a friend, planning a dream trip to Paris with my mum; I was even decently happy with my job. I allowed all of that to take over, and I forgot who I was as a writer. During that summer, after returning back to the US after an amazing two weeks in Paris (don't worry, I will write about it soon), mum was diagnosed with cancer and it was one of those ugly ones. In fact, my brother took her to the appointment that it was confirmed as being cancer in her liver while I was flying back to Dubai. So, I arrived back in Dubai to find my best friend engaged, the guy I was seeing was moving to another country for work and wasn't really interested in a LDR, and news that I would be getting a new assistant at work. And as selfish as this is, I felt like my life was tumbling from this "on-its-way-to-being-perfect" bubble to shit.
But God can be funny, can't he?
Near the end of October, my brother messaged me with my mum's phone. I could tell there was an edge of franticness in the message so I called him. He was searching for the papers that showed he had medical power of attorney while mum was being rushed to the hospital. It didn't sound good. And as much as I feared the death of my mother or that this was possibly the end, it was my brother that I was most concerned about. I did not fly out that night (it was a Wednesday). I went to work the next day to prep for at least a week's worth of sub plans, talk to my assistant and principal to let them know there was a possibility that I may be flying home soon so I could assess the situation. I got through the day at work and spoke to my brother again. At that time, my mum was in the ICU and didn't know who my brother was; now, allow me to interject with a bit of a quip but I don't blame her for forgetting him (oh relax, I love my brother dearly and tell him the same thing). The decision was made: I caught the next flight possible and flew home. I arrived that Friday night, rented a car, and drove right to the hospital. At the visitor's sign-in desk, I learned that she'd been moved to a regular room. I said a prayer.
Spoiler alert: I won't go into too many details--it's my mother's story to share, not mine--but I'm happy to report my mother is living life. She's an inspiration to me, or as I like to call her "The Beast". We're talking garden club, canasta Thursdays, Meals on Wheels, going out to dinner multiple times a week, monthly bunco. I can barely keep up with the woman, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Wow, for someone who didn't know what to write when I sat down at my laptop today, I certainly have found several words, haven't I? I guess I was able to push that fearful dam to the side and words flowed.
So, at the risk of ending today with a touch of being a cliche, go hug a loved one. Go tell that person who supports you "Thank you". Let people know what they mean to you.
And, since I'm starting a new journey, for reasons I will also share eventually, I want to end each entry on this page with, "Thanks for reading. I appreciate you".
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